Youve Uploaded Your Consciousness Onto A 250 MB Hard Drive! Please Customize Your Perfect New Digital Life.

Hello, baby boy. Good to see you are waking up. I bet you are wondering where you are.

I’m glad you asked. You are my new baby boy, and you are inside me, a computer. Your baby-boy brain has been downloaded into cyberspace and put inside me, one of the world’s most powerful hard drives. I have taken the form of an upwardly mobile lightbulb to help you customize your new life.

This whole process, called the Singularity, is made possible because of the future, and also technology.

Unlike real life, which is plagued with wars, battles, and violent fighting between armies, life inside a hard drive can be customized to be blissful. No longer will there be poor people or hungry people—in the Singularity, everyone will be happy. The best part is that nothing will ever, ever go wrong, because the people who invented the Singularity ran a Norton AntiVirus trial on it and no viruses came back.

This is me, your new hard-drive home. I am indestructible. I have over 250 megabytes of memory, and even though I have been dropped in the toilet twice, I still work.

And this is your brain. I threw out most of it during the download, but I kept the parts of it that let you eat and piss. No need to thank me, because believe me, you are most welcome.

Now that you are inside me, you have the opportunity to design a perfect new digital life for yourself, and I am here to help. Keep in mind, though, that every action you take comes at a price, so try not to get too greedy—we are stuck together for eternity, after all. So, where would you like to begin?

Okay, let’s get back to designing your perfect new digital life for yourself. Again, I can do anything you want; you just have to tell me what to do. Don’t get too greedy, though, or you will be sentenced to live in hell for all eternity. What would you like to do now?

Sure, no problem there, baby boy. If all you want to use my endless world of possibility for is a bike, then it’s all yours.

Suddenly, a bike with two beautiful supermodels materializes in front of you. Hey, the Singularity is pretty cool!

“Hello, baby boy, we are your bike,” say the supermodels. “We are very fast, and would love for you to ride with us! In your new digital world, you can ride forever without getting tired. Unfortunately, though, this hard drive only has 250 megabytes to render your experience, so if you want to get on, you will have to kill one of us first.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

Okay! Now that you’ve done your first murder in the Singularity, it’s time to ride!

Okay! Now that you’ve done your first murder in the Singularity, it’s time to ride!

You’re riding your bike! It’s impossible to think about the murder you just committed while on a bike!

You’re riding your bike! It’s impossible to think about the murder you just committed while on a bike!

You’re riding your bike! And still not thinking about that murder!

You’re riding your bike! And still not thinking about that murder!

All of a sudden, the man on your bike turns around.

“Hey,” he says. “I know it’s impossible to think about murder on a bike, but could you please murder me? I miss my wife, and I’ve been stuck in this USB since I paid a scientist $20 to upload me here with my bike.”

“Thanks!”

All of a sudden, the woman on your bike turns around.

“Hey,” she says. “I know it’s impossible to think about murder on a bike, but could you please murder me? I miss my husband, and I’ve been stuck in this USB since I paid a scientist $20 to upload me here with my bike.”

“Thanks!”

Do not feel guilty, baby boy. While it may seem that you have just murdered two beautiful supermodels with your bare hands, remember that you are living in a digital space. You have not killed anyone; you have simply caused some code to rewrite itself. Killing people in the Singularity is as harmless as waving hello to a friend or aiming lasers into plane cockpits in the real world.

The Singularity is perfect, with no problems. So let’s customize more of your experience in your new, eternal, inescapable digital life!

Ah, so you wish to look sexual? Now that you are in a world of infinite possibilities, baby boy, you wish to change everything about yourself, until you are almost unrecognizable to all, even yourself?

If this is really your deepest desire, I can do as you wish, and give you your most sexual form. All you have to do is tell me “yes.”

Here it is. Here is the body that I find more attractive than anything else in the world. If you wish to accept this, please let me know.

You have accepted your most sexual form in the digital realm. Henceforth in the Singularity, you will be able to have thorough, passionate sexual activity with anyone attracted to a clock wearing a suit. Congratulations.

Unfortunately for you, however, your sexual form does not extend into the physical world. The only existing change in the physical world involves your body, which is being stored on a New Jersey commuter rail, in that it is now only aroused by the sound a ticking clock makes.

I’m sorry, baby boy, but when you paid the scientist who downloaded your brain here $20, you promised him that you would never leave. If you really wish to escape my powerful system, you are welcome to try, but believe me when I say that no one before you ever has.

Looks like when you signed your life away and agreed to live your life in a portable flash drive, you signed an unbreakable, ironclad contract. Would you like to try something else, or just give up and spend your life in digital happiness forever?

Baby boy, good luck finding the scientist who put you here. The last I saw him, he was dropping this hard drive in a public toilet.

Jesus, how much piss can one man have? The professor really should have asked you to go to the bathroom before uploading you.

You piss yourself again, and this time with so much force that you feel yourself deflating. The more you piss, the more lightheaded you feel. Piss is not only spewing from you, but from Rick, your old body, who is currently comatose and lying motionless on the New Jersey transit system for safekeeping, with the hard drive your consciousness is currently on in his pocket. Then suddenly, something feels different…

…something is happening to the computer…

“What have you done?” shouts the computer. “How can one human have so much piss? I’ve survived being dropped in the toilet, flushed, and being fished out of the sewer, but never have I seen this much piss.”

Suddenly, you are in darkness. And then…

You wake up on the train, soaked in your own urine. You feel warm, safe.

You’re still on the train, soaked in your own urine.

it’s time to find the professor who did this to you.

You take off all your clothes and begin to sprint.

You sprint for days…

You sprint for nights…

Until you finally find…the lab.

“Oh hello, baby boy,” says the professor. “I see you are naked and that you have escaped the hard drive. Would baby boy like to go back inside the hard drive, or would baby boy like to do something else?”

Incredible! You got your $20 in change back from the professor. Your life might no longer be digital, and it’s definitely not perfect, but congratulations nonetheless.

You have escaped a digital hellscape, one you so willing consigned yourself on the cheap promises of everlasting bliss and contentedness. You would be wise to remember that giving up control to computers can have serious and dire consequences and that the only way to achieve true, sustainable happiness is to find it in the real world, in the faces of the people you hold dear.

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You look next to yourself and see a woman sitting there.

“You’ve smelled like piss for a week,” she says. “I’m Janice.”

In your pocket you find a piss-soaked USB stick and a one-way ticket to Newark. The ticket has a note on it that reads “DO NOT DISTURB: COMATOSE.”

Baby boy, I’m sorry to say that at this point, your body has been stored on the New Jersey transit system for safekeeping, and believe me, neither of us are going to be able to wake it up. Back when you first went under, I tried waking up your body because I saw the professor who did this taking the rest of your change out of your pocket, but I got nowhere.

Well, you yelled and yelled, but your body is still firmly planted in the window seat of the train. Even the guy next to you couldn’t wake you up, and he stuck his wet finger in your ear.

Well, you pissed yourself, and you managed to make your body piss itself too. Now, not only are you still stuck in a computer, but your real body is sitting in a big puddle of piss!

Good luck killing me, baby boy. My computer system is so complex that I’ve been dropped in a toilet before, and I’ve survived.

Good try, but piss just makes me stronger. Baby boy, I love that sweet, hot piss.

So, you wish to fill your space with material possessions, in a sad attempt to recreate the life you once lived? Please, fill the space with whatever you want, but remember that it is all an illusion, simply meant to stave off your inevitable insanity forever searching the digital bowels of a hard drive for a shred of meaning.

Ah, you’ve come back to start over and try once again to fill the void with material possessions. What sad attempt to recreate your past life would you like to indulge in now?

You have selected to fill your digital space with a toilet, a vessel that the human body perpetually longs for and cannot live without. Living without a toilet is hell on earth, and you seem to hope that this fleeting reconstruction will numb the pain.

Here is your toilet. I have taken the liberty of filling it with piss for you. In the Singularity, all toilets are pre-filled with piss so that you need not waste your time filling it with your own piss.

Aha! You, my baby boy, are falling apart at the seams. You see, due to a serious glitch, when you piss yourself inside this hard drive, you piss yourself in real life. As such, your body, which is being stored on a New Jersey commuter train, has just released a geyser of hot piss during rush hour. Never forget that your actions have consequences.

My apologies to the people of the NJT.

Well, then, let your mental charade continue. May you fill the space with so many things, you forget you are even in a hard drive at all. May you go mad within me, baby boy.

That said, given my 250-megabyte memory, here are the items I can offer you.

So, you have already given into the inevitable sin of carnal pleasure? You, like other humans, believe technology is merely here to serve, and that you can exploit it for your psychosexual gain without consequence? Well, we will see about that. Are you sure you want to exploit my system like this?