Creating a children’s character should be a relatively straightforward process: Make it cute, make it relatable, make it simple enough that Hasbro can efficiently pump out a plethora of tiny, plastic clones of it, then profit. But as we’ve mentioned before, sometimes the creative minds skip all that and instead opt to freebase bath salts while arranging blood-red candles into a pentagram to summon assistance from Barnelzebub, the Dark Lord of Fuck It, The Kids Will Be Fine.
#7. Fukurokuju Is A Dick Head
Fukurokuju is hard to type, and let’s face it, we’re all hopelessly immature here anyway, so we’re just going to call him Fuku. Fuku is one of the stars of Nihongo de Asobo (the unfortunate translation of which is “Let’s Play With Japanese!”), an unassuming show which teaches Japanese youngsters all about their native language and culture. If you’re expecting badass giant robots or creepy old men dressed as schoolgirls, look elsewhere; this is basically VeggieTales on a shoestring budget.
Actual shoestrings were probably involved in making this.
But then they break out the puppets. And bouncing happily among them is Fuku, the puppet that unquestionably has a wrinkly dong for a head. Fuku is not a unique creation — he’s a character from Japanese mythology, the god of wisdom and longevity (ha!). Apparently, we missed the part of the legend stating that he’s a grower (not a shower) whose head becomes throbbingly erect as he gets smarter.
“Daddy, why does Fuku remind me of that time I accidentally walked in on you in the shower?”
To be fair to the show’s producers, literal dickhead puppets are a holdover from Japanese puppet theater, and existed long before the advent of television. Still, you’d think “stiff penis” would appear in bold on the very first page of The Official Kids’ Television Nope List.
#6. Mommi Ja Aabits Has Serial Killers Wearing The Skins Of Adorable Animals
Mommi Ja Aabits is what happens when an Estonian TV producer watches the doggy blowjob scene from The Shining and it sparks an idea for a children’s show. It’s like A. A. Milne anthropomorphized a bear, but forgot to subtract its all-consuming lust for flesh.
We’re pretty sure he emptied his honey pot at 0:34.
In an effort to create expressive children’s mascots on the cheap, the creators fashioned half-assed masks that only covered the tops of the performers’ heads, allowing them to still make full, expressive use of their human mouths. It’s a valiant attempt rendered entirely moot by the fact that they also chose to populate the mask’s eye holes with dead orbs filled with liquid hate.
This herbivore is wondering if your spleen needs salt.
That single misstep resulted in a reimagining of the Hundred Acre Wood wherein Christopher Robin has been replaced by a young John Wayne Gacy. Oh, bother.
In closing, here’s a fox with lanky human legs doing pelvic thrusts:
#5. Mr. Noseybonk Will Eat Your Dreams
If Mr. Bean hate-fucked Jigsaw, their un-baby would grow up to be Mr. Noseybonk. He appeared in a segment on the early ’80s BBC series Jigsaw, and holy shit, we thought we were only joking when we made that Saw quip a moment ago.
“Let’s play a game. It’s called ‘Counting Your Orifices.’ Nope, you’re about to have one more!”
#4. Mummenschanz And The Flayed Faces
Mummenschanz is a Swiss theater troupe that did some guest spots on The Muppet Show back in the ’70s. They use masks and Steve Jobs turtlenecks to put on performances that sound kind of neat in concept, but in practice make us want to crawl back into our mommies’ wombs as grown-ass adults.
Take this sketch, for example. In it, two performers build their own visages out of clay, as we watch with slowly building dread. One has mastered his art, while the other proceeds to get more and more agitated, until he’s trying to flay the doughy flesh from his own face like he’s in a Hellraiser outtake.
“God, this skin just never stays where you want it.”
We guess the kids have to be introduced to body horror sometime. Up next: Fun With Flesh, Starring Davey Cronenberg.