It’s no secret Hollywood takes creative license during the movies, but certain things should stay sacrosanct – by certain things, we mean sex. How many times have you watched a movie and mid sultry sex scene, you see something so totally asinine and unrealistic, your eyes are rolling all the way back into your brain.
“It literally doesn’t work that way!” you want to yell at the screen, but you don’t because then you’d startle your dog – (we’re assuming you have a dog, or cat – maybe a pet chicken?).
Hollywood’s unrealistic depictions of human sexuality are especially alarming because studies show that 80% of teens get their sex education from the movies and other forms of media. It’s not a stretch to say that how teens approach sex is determined by what they see and hear in the media around them, which is why Hollywood needs to do better.
Here are the worst offenders.
10. Most Hollywood sex scenes look absolutely gorgeous.
Well lit, beautifully bronzed, physically taut people thrust themselves at each other in what amounts to an operatic show of physical passion.
It’s all very impressive and all, but there’s one huge problem – real sex is messy and awkward. It’s fumbling around trying to figure out where to place what and whose what is which.
It’s damn sure not an opera, and Hollywood needs to stop selling a myth that makes the rest of us feel awkward for not reaching the splendorous heights of movie bliss.
9. People in movie sex scenes rarely seem to communicate with each other.
Either there’s rapturous background music, or a Sade soundtrack (it’s almost always a Sade soundtrack – just who exactly decided her voice symbolized sex?), or people are moaning their very loud enjoyment.
Every once in a while – if the movie is meant to be realistic, or the characters are meant to be despised – you get grunts and groans or a squeaky bed. Very rarely do you get actual communication.
And yet, sex, like most things is a series of communications: When last did you get tested? Are you on birth control? Get the condom. Where’s the lube? Wait – slower – no, faster – OMG, that doesn’t go there! A little bit more to the left!
Sex is a push and pull, a meeting of two minds and bodies. People should definitely talk waay more.
8. Movie sex usually goes on for hours.
When last did you have sex all night? Think about it. Really think hard and deep… When last did you engage in coitus, one act after another from sun up till sundown?
Don’t remember? That’s cause it literally doesn’t happen. Most people need at least a few minutes of cool-off and what about sleep – that’s important too (most of us have jobs).
Also, it would sort of be torturous to have sex all night. Think about how much lube you’d need to make it work, and even then – ouch! The next day would definitely not be a pleasant one…
7. No one ever has real problems taking off their skinny jeans.
It happens in every movie. The couple rushes in, and after a momentary fumble with zippers and the like – voila! – glorious bare skin bared to the object of your affections. It would be sweet, except… how in the hell did they get out of their skinny jeans so fast?
How many times have you struggled – nay, battled – with a pair of jeans, or.a too-tight dress, or a shirt that needed just that extra bit of massaging to come off without ripping?
Hollywood never seems to have problems with any iterations of the above, and that is one of the most egregious lies filmmakers tell.
6. People in the movies who have sex look perfect doing so.
Perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect makeup, perfect bodies thrusting in perfect sync. In real life, people’s bodies are not toned from 60 hours of combination crossfit and Krav Maga. Some of us have lumps and bumps and even *gasp* love handles, and those move during sex.
Also, that perfect shimmering skin dewy with the best Creme de La Mer money can buy? In real life, that’s sweat running down your cheeks, ruining your foundation and working the devil’s own hand on your mascara.
Raccoon eye sex is real, just saying.
5. People always roll over in the morning and kiss each other.
Morning breath is real, and who among us has not crept out immediately in the morning to go brush our teeth or do some stray bushwhacking (don’t act like you’d don’t know what I’m talking about).
For that matter, how come people never rush to go pee, or to do any of the other thousand odd bodily processes people need to process in the morning?
That roll over to kiss – definitely not a thing.
4. People never seem to suffer the after-effects of sex.
How many times have you watched a movie and this happens: our two fit, beautiful main characters (they’re always fit and beautiful) roll around in the sand making sweet passionate love, and then they fall asleep with the glow of the early morning sun lightly caressing their tawny, fit cheeks.
It’s all very beautiful and poetic and yet… whatever happened to all that sand? Sand gets into things – all the cracks and crevices – especially when you’re rolling in it. How come no one ever jerks up screaming because they got sand in their unmentionables?
For that matter, what about rug-burn? People are always tossing each other onto priceless Aubusson rugs and such, and no one ever seems to suffer for it.
3. In movies, people (actresses – we mean actresses!) always gorgeously wear their partner’s shirts, or even the sheets, and they always look fab.
Somehow, in Hollywood, the woman is always way smaller, even though the average American woman is now a size 14 – positively Rubenesque by Hollywood standards.
And the sheet thing – not everyone can tie a good sheet. And that’s assuming they won’t drown in all the folds.
And that’s another thing – how come the sheets are always perfectly sized to the actress? Standard sheet sizes are twin, queen, and large – so are all actresses having sex on twin-sized sheets? More to the point, are all twin-sized sheets actress sized?
Food for thought…
2. In movies, women always spontaneously orgasm without any help.
It never fails, the moment two people of the heterosexual determination get it on in the movies, the woman begins to moan loudly (and sexily) without any help and she always falls apart in a glorious climax at the end.
And yet who among us has ever just spontaneously got off without help? It’s not rocket science. One plus two equals three, and yet, in the movies, the math is all wrong.
It’s even more insidious considering these statistics. ABC News reports that “75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone — that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue.”
Seen from this angle, Hollywood is quite literally messing with the female orgasm by teaching people that women don’t need anything to reach climax.
1. People never use protection in movies.
This is perhaps the most problematic of all unrealistic Hollywood depictions of sex. People never use condoms, or birth control (that we know about) and yet they miraculously emerge from their varied encounters without a fantastic case of VD.
It’s enough to boggle the mind, particularly when you realize that the rate of sexually transmitted infections has skyrocketed in America. The rate would undoubtedly go down if more people used condoms, and Hollywood, the largest purveyor of sex outside the porn industry could lend a helping hand.
As Dr. Peter A. Ubel posits in his article “Why James Bond Needs Condoms”:
People don’t know how to talk about condoms in the heat of the moment… Hollywood could help us solve this problem, by normalizing condoms, even by making them cool. If James Bond starts talking about condoms, maybe other guys will follow suit… If Megan Fox cuts off a guy until he agrees to wear a condom, the language she uses, the confidence she displays, could give other women an idea of how they can pull of the same feat… If condoms were shown to be a normal part of a successful love life, people exploring their first sexual experiences wouldn’t be as prey to the myth that condoms kill romance.
And while Hollywood is at it, maybe they could work on all those other myths too.