I usually get along with my therapist, Jane Hurdle (LMHC), quite nicely. She’s a highly educated, well spoken, and (I thought) generally understanding person. I mean, even though she gets paid $150 for 45 minutes of work, I really feel like she’s there to help and not just to do a job. But lately, I’ve been noticing something’s off. Jane asks me a lot of questions about the boys I date … especially Greg. He and I got into this very casual and very chill situation a while back …
Above: Me and Greg aren’t in this picture, but we might as well be.
… and she’s been extremely disapproving ever since. Like overly disapproving. In fact, I’m starting to think she’s jealous of my relationship with Greg.
I’m not a paranoid person, and I know this because once when I was 13 I was doing my homework in my room when my kitchen caught on fire, and I didn’t even notice. For a second I thought I smelled smoke, but my mom had said if I left my room before finishing my homework she’d tie my hands to the dog’s collar again, so I didn’t leave my room. Anyways, it turns out there was actually a really big fire that day and we lost half of our house and the dog, but still I was so not paranoid that I didn’t even come out of my room until the firemen came in and made me barely escape.
Not to brag, but the house I grew up in could also drive. That’s the half we lost in the fire.
So, what I’m saying is I’m not usually a paranoid person. Now that we’ve cleared that up, here’s why I think my therapist is jealous of me, and once you hear these reasons I think you’ll agree with me.
#8. She says dumb shit like, “You should be careful”
Uh, hello? This is Jealous Friend 101. The last time someone told me to be careful about a boy I was dating was in sophomore year of high school when Lucy Boller told me not to go to the dance with Grant because he had chlamydia, and then she went with him instead. And then she gave him chlamydia! The whole thing was so embarrassing. For her. Anyways. My therapist warns me that Greg isn’t good for me, but I know she really just wants to fuck Greg.
#7. When I tell her about Greg she doesn’t seem happy for me
Well, she barely seems happy for me. It’s like she’s trying to get in my head so that I will question the strength of our relationship. She just sits there and nods and once in a while she says, “That’s great that you seem so happy.”
That’s major shade if I ever saw it. Why can’t you just be happy for me, Jane? Maybe it’s because you can’t stand the fact that Greg and I understand each other so well.
#6. She keeps asking me, “What do you like about him?”
It’s almost as if she’s trying to stump me or get me to say something bad about Greg, which I would never do. She wants me to really think about why I like Greg, but you can’t explain our love because it’s so unique. She told me to make a list of the things I like about him, and I think she’s going to do some voodoo witch spell with it to make Greg like her.
#5. She tells me I shouldn’t abandon my other interests for Greg
This one is so obviously a cover-up for her crush on Greg. She just wants to distract me so she can sink her claws into what she really wants: Greg.
She thinks that I’m spending too much time thinking about Greg, but that’s what people do when they’re in love. She told me I shouldn’t abandon my plans when Greg texts me “You up?” at 2 a.m., but I know that she just wants me NOT to go over to his place so that she can seduce him instead.
#4. She likes to bring up the time that Greg made me have a breakdown, even though it was in the past
Greg has his own way of communicating, which is that he doesn’t, and one time I didn’t hear from him for a week and had a breakdown because my friend got a message from him on Tinder, but this was last week, and it’s already in the past. Anyways, my therapist likes to bring up stuff from the past even though we already worked through our problems when I deleted Greg’s Tinder and installed Find My Friends on his phone while he was in the shower.
Such a time-saver!
My therapist thinks that having a breakdown will get me to leave him, but we’re in love and I’d never do that to Greg.
#3. She describes my relationship with Greg as “unhealthy”
You know what’s unhealthy? Being jealous of your client’s boyfriend, that’s unhealthy. She also says it’s unhealthy that I call him my boyfriend even though he told me specifically that he didn’t want to label the relationship and that we aren’t exclusive, but that just proves she doesn’t understand our relationship at all.
#2. She keeps asking me to think about what I “want” from our relationship
Just because she’s a selfish person that can only think about what she wants doesn’t mean that I am that way. In fact, not once since I started dating Greg have we talked about what we want out of the relationship. That’s because we get each other so much that we don’t have to talk about it. We have this special connection that nobody understands.
Even when he makes me walk at least 10 feet in front of him in public, it’s like we’re right next to each other.
Plus when we hang out it’s so great that we never have time to talk about where the relationship is going, because we’re too busy getting each other.
#1. She says that I deserve to love someone who loves me back
Just because we haven’t said “I love you” to each other yet doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other. When we hang out he’s usually drunk and falls asleep right after we have sex, so there’s not really time to say we love each other.
I’m sure he’s just waiting for the right moment.
She keeps telling me that I deserve better, but how can you get better than perfection? And what does she know about love? She’s clearly just jealous because she wants what Greg and I have.
What’s The Best Fictional School To Attend? In the muggle world, we’re not given the opportunity for a magical hat to tell us which school we should go to. Usually we just have to go to the high school closest to where we live or whatever college accepts our SAT scores and personal essay. This month, our goal is to determine what would be the best fictional school to go to. Join Jack, Daniel, and the rest of the Cracked staff, along with comedians Brandie Posey and Steven Wilber, as they figure out if it’s a realistic school like Degrassi or West Beverly High, or an institution from a fantasy world like Hogwarts with its ghosts and dementors, or Bayside High, haunted by a monster known only to humans as Screech. Get your tickets here!
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