Hey, millennials! Do pandering marketers got you like …
TFW your bae’s selfie isn’t on fleek?
Millennials are a coveted demographic for advertisers, but like every generation of young people before them, it gets really embarrassing when people try marketing to them. So, let’s enjoy how cringe-worthy things get when the old guy on the marketing team starts asking what dank memes are and how to webcrawler search them.
#8. Hillary Clinton And Chevrolet Go All-In On Emojis
Regardless of your political views, young people can all agree on one thing: Politicians are, like, such an embarrassing disaster of square, crusty oldness. The current elections are no exception. Just witness Hillary Clinton stumbling all over herself when she tries to “rap” with the youth on their level. This was tweeted from the 68-year-old grandmother’s Twitter account:
Despite emojis being a hip and now thing, Clinton’s tweet asking people to sum up a staggering student debt problem with little pictures was not well received. Besides, the obvious answer is a saxophone by an eggplant going into a peach — the universal symbol of Sallie Mae putting on some romantic music before fucking you in the ass.
The responses were, like most things on the internet, a solid mix of condescending and aggressive. Also, there were shockingly few emojis.
There was a bit of grammar Nazi thrown in there too.
When you assume your entire voter-base consists of cellphone-addicted idiots, things like this happen. The same thing happened when Chevrolet rolled out their new Chevy Cruze. To show that it was absolutely “millennial friendly,” they demanded a group of actors pretending to be focus testers give their thoughts on the car in the form of emojis.
How fun, right!? It’s like a puzzle, only backward and pointless! By the time a supposed focus group member tweets a pink unicorn and exclaims, “It’s magical!” you realize that anyone taken in by this probably should not be allowed to drive.
“OK, I see a lot of you are just hitting the poop button over and over. Which is exactly
what my teenage son said would happen when I ran this idea by the dinner table.”
#7. Hipster Jesus
When you hear “hipster,” what do you think of? White, upper-class, 20-something with skinny jeans? Stupid mustaches? Jazz fans in the 1940s? The only thing we can all agree on is that hipsterism is hard to define, and everyone hates it. Wouldn’t it be great if someone could give a clear, maybe even infallible definition of hipster?
As luck would have it, the Diocese Catholic church has sort of done exactly that with this almost aggressively strange ad featuring hipster Jesus.
As part of their youth initiative, they’ve erected these billboards across Brooklyn in hopes that some hipster will look up from Instagram long enough to accept Christ into their ironic, Pabst Blue Ribbon-fueled heart.
I say unto you, bro, man shall not live by tubular alone.
Despite their direct line to the being who knows everything and makes all the rules, we’re not so sure the Catholic church is an authority on hipsters. Of all the ill-defined symbols of hipsterism, why go with untied sneakers? That’s more like a mild symbol of diet teen rebellion in the 1950s. If this wasn’t exactly what happened, we’d probably joke, “It’s like something the world’s squarest church would use to appeal to their vague notion of young people.” If they really wanted a hipster, why not have Jesus listening to The Lumineers on vinyl or holding a Bible made out of recycled bike tires? Did this church do any research at all? Those are probably the top autocompletes when you type in “Hipster Jesus would totally …”
This also doesn’t really fit any message of Christ. Sure, Jesus was a hipster in the sense that he had a beard and was crucified before it was cool, but (as of press time) hipsters are all about non-trendy fashion, esoteric music, and squeezing into size 4 women’s jeans. Those are all things Jesus didn’t seem very interested in. All the church managed to do with this ad was to insult the intelligence of its audience, muddy its own god’s message, and fundamentally misunderstand everything about the subject being discussed. It’s insane to imagine an organized religion acting in such a way.
#6. Kellogg’s Streetwear Ft. H0n3y Smalls And DJ Tony T
For a lot of kids, it didn’t matter which cereal tasted better — breakfast decisions were made over which cereal had the best mascot. Generic knockoff cereals were for asshole children who will one day grow up to murder hitchhikers. Any behavioral psychologist can tell you that if your cereal came in a bag, you’re remembering it from prison. The rest of us had iconic, lovable Kellogg’s characters like Tony The Tiger, Toucan Sam, and the Rice Krispies elves. Their cereals tasted the same as all the other wads of corn syrup and food dye, but seeing their cartoon faces on the box was evidence our parents loved us.
So how does a cereal titan repay your long years of blind consumer loyalty? By cashing in on some of that sweet nostalgia with a streetwear clothing lineup featuring all of your childhood pals. We hope you’re ready for how dope and fly shit is about to get.
The perfect outfit to say “I was recently turned into an adult by a magical carnival machine.”
Obviously, these are train wrecks of fashion. They seem like they were designed by a dying child who contacted Make-A-Wish and told them their dream was to make the entire world just a little bit less cool. But, honestly, how weird would it have been if they were well-received? It’s a company started by a man who told parents to watch their children masturbate making urban wear for people who love Snap, Crackle, and Pop so much they’re willing to lose all social currency over it.
What’s got two thumbs and is required by law to live more than 500 yards from schools and parks?
Look at it. These are saggy jeans with cereal elves leering from the back pocket. Those jeans were designed by someone outrageously out of touch with the world, or a mad genius looking to test the limits of human bullying.
There was so little interest in the product line, the website that sold them — called, sigh, UnderTheHood.com — was sold off to a company that sells actual car hoods (unlucky collectors of stupid shit can still find them on eBay).
This image of a man pointing to his asshole from a shirt that says “Follow Your Nose(TM)” presented without comment.
#5. Mashtags: Social Media … Food?
There’s a lot of evidence to suggest food is marketed exclusively by lunatics. For instance, a company named Birds Eye was trying to make their food-like potato shapes into an exciting product, and they somehow came up with something even more fake than the ingredients: Mashtags, the social media-shaped tater tots.
From the makers of InstaHam and Memesicles!
It’s finally a food made with “REAL potatoes” that features random keyboard symbols and emojis! And while it’s a great way to simulate how an illiterate person sees the world, it doesn’t make much sense in any other context. Who are Mas#tags for!? Well, a company spokesperson explained, “The addition of Mashtags to our food range is an exciting development for Birds Eye. Social media is all about conversation, and we’re confident Mashtags will resonate across various groups of people.”
It sounds insane, and yet here we are, a various group of people, talking about it.
This was the last conversation between Alex and Dad before each of them tweeted
“#Can’tLiveWithMyself #MadeWithRealPotato #bang #byedead @now.”