When you’re at the center of a high-stakes bank robbery, the last thing you want is to feel left out. Unfortunately, if your fellow hostages are doing any of these six things, there’s a chance you’re probably not going with them to Chili’s after you’re freed.
1. They’re all huddled on the ground whispering, but when you crawl over to them they all get quiet right away: So, you’re on the ground, silently inching closer to your fellow hostages beheath open gunfire, when all of a sudden, they go silent. Not a good sign, right? Let’s just say that if everyone looks around at each other awkwardly after you ask, “What are you guys up to after?” your prospects for a post-hostage-crisis Chili’s trip are definitely pretty slim.
2. They started calling themselves the “Bank Vault 8” when there are actually nine of you: It’s a bummer, but being referred to as “just some guy” on national news by your fellow hostages is probably a pretty good indication that you’re not scoring an invite to get half-priced baby back ribs at the Chili’s down the street. No offense, but only people who are part of the eventual title of the bank robbery’s Wikipedia page are looped in on dinner plans.
3. While calling their families to tell them they love them, the other captives mention that if they make it out alive, they’ll head right home after Chili’s: If you hear another victim tell his grief-stricken wife that, should this nightmare end, he’ll be a little late getting home, it’s because everyone’s going to Chili’s “2 for $22” night and you’re not. Don’t kid yourself—him saying “I’ll head straight over as soon as the gang is done with their fajitas,” means exactly what you think.
4. The first hostage is let go after handing over a vault combination to your gun-wielding captor, and you hear her whisper to the other hostages that she’ll put her name down for a table and get an order of baby back ribs for everyone to share: Sorry, but this is pretty tough to misinterpret.
5. The police negotiators offer the other hostages food and water after breaking down the front door of the bank with a battering ram, but they say they’re saving up room for later: There’s no getting around it. If the rest of the captives decline food after spending 11 terrifying hours trapped in a bank vault with no supplies, it’s because they’re saving room for bottomless apps. Who says no to the SWAT team? People going to Chili’s, that’s who.
6. They mention Chili’s on the Today Show interview about your harrowing experience as hostages: Ugh. Take the hint. The second you see all your fellow hostages crying together on TV, telling Hoda Kotb that they “were lucky to even make it to Chili’s,” you know it’s over. Look, it’s time to accept it. You’re not going out with them, you’re not ordering loaded potato skins with them, and you’re not splitting the bill with them after. Sorry, but that’s just the truth.