While you’ve been over there getting all creeped out by sharks and spiders, the plant world has been over here, quietly evolving horrors for millions of years. We thought we made it clear that vegetation is not your friend before, but you silly bastards keep traipsing off into nature like it’s not an inescapable labyrinth of horrors. We’re trying to fix that …
#6. Snapdragon Seed Pods Look Like Skulls
Take a gander at the snapdragon:
Aren’t they pretty? Now take another look at them in autumn …
It’s less “snapdragon” and more “bones from the dragon’s dinner.”
The skulls of The Littles up there are actually seedpods that burst open when the seeds are ripe inside, sending spores out through the mouth and the eyes of the “skull.” You know, like in all of your nightmares.
“Save yourself. Sleep till spring. Do not open the Ark. Run.”
#5. Naked Man Orchids Have Smiles And Floppy Dongs
Part of the reason nature is so awe-inspiring is the fact that every little modification, every physical trait, every characteristic in every organism is the result of millions of years of evolution, shaped by necessity in order to propagate and survive. And then there’s the Orchis italica, whose biological purpose seems to be “messing with you.”
The one on the right gets all the honeybees.
Known as the “naked man orchid,” because it was first discovered by a scientist named Nakid Manning the — no, come on: It’s obviously because the flowers look like paper cutouts of nude dudes with floppy dongs. Some of the orchids even have smiley faces, which actually makes it far, far worse.
You know dick pics have become an epidemic when even Mother Nature sends them.
#4. Water Caltrops Are Clearly From Hell’s Pantry
Here’s the Devil’s favorite candy:
It’s the only Halloween treat that would be less terrifying when stuffed with razor blades.
That’s actually a water caltrop, and though it bears a striking resemblance to Tim Curry from Legend, it’s more closely related to the least exciting part of your Chinese takeout: the water chestnut. They are apparently edible and quite nutritious, just chock full of both vitamins and evil. Obviously evil.
You can’t eat just one, for if you do, the others will track you down and take brutal revenge.