5 WTF Scenes That Probably Happened In Your Favorite Movies

The world of popular culture is full of plot holes, and we’ve done our very best over the years to point out as many as our lifespans and the laws of physics will allow us to. The good news is, we’re now about to solve some plot holes for a change!

The bad news: Shit’s about to get dark, kids.

5

What If Luke And Leia Made Out In Empire Strikes Back Because Of Midi-Chlorians?

In one of the most sexually charged moments that isn’t the scene with the Tauntaun, The Empire Strikes Back sees Luke and Leia chomping down on each other’s face like two sarlaccs (sorry, sarlacci) fighting over a single spaghetti strand. And then it later turns out they’re brother and sister — but you already knew this, because it’s one of the most unintentionally creepy moments in movie history, and one of the few things that the Star Wars series doesn’t seem too keen on over-explaining.

LucasfilmAlthough there’s still Episode X

We’ve looked at it, however, and we think we’ve got a solid answer: It was the freaking midi-chlorians.

Luke and Leia are both Force users, and thus, both have those space microbes called midi-chlorians swimming around in their bloodstreams. From an evolutionary perspective, it’d be make sense for midi-chlorians to drive their owners to ferociously bang other Force-havers in order to go critical mass and create the Jedi Ubermensch. With normal Jedi, this isn’t a problem … although it does go some way toward explaining why the Jedi don’t allow for romantic relationships. They’re not being puritans; they simply don’t want people doing the nasty all over the Jedi Temple.

LucasfilmNo matter how phallic their heads may be.

With brothers and sisters, however, the midi-chlorians don’t recognize that they’re family. They only see a way to make a supercharged offspring. It’s genetic sexual attraction with a side dish of evolutionary theory, and since nothing is more important than siring a new generation of Force users, what do they care if it means a life of webbed toes and awkward family reunions?

4

Harry Potter Had Such Great Luck Because Hermione Was Constantly Using Time Travel

The most unbelievable part of the Harry Potter And The series isn’t the spells or the monsters — it’s the fact that Harry and his friends are blessed with such tremendous good fortune that they’re able to solve most of their problems through a hearty combination of guesswork, getting rescued, and accidentally stumbling upon whatever deus ex machina they need for that specific moment. It’s almost as dumb as them forgetting that they can travel through time.

Wait, what if those two elements are connected after all?

In Prisoner Of Azkaban, Hermione is given a time turner — an hourglass-like contraption that allows its user to travel back in time and effectively redo a few hours. It disappears and is seldom mentioned again in the books (and never mentioned again in the movies) … but what if that’s because Hermione goes back to having her own secret time travel adventures? Only this time, it’s to Groundhog Day their bumbling butts every time they encounter danger.

Warner Bros. PicturesOr actual butts, like that one time Ron got food poisoning.

We mentioned that Harry, Hermione, and Ron seem to possess a supernatural ability to solve puzzles, dodge danger, and have the exact magical problem-solver they need for every scenario. But what if that isn’t luck, but Hermione going back in time and making sure that they can deal with whatever flummoxes them? It’s basically the plot of Edge Of Tomorrow, but with more noseless magic Hitlers.

There is, however, an unfortunate side effect of this: Hermione’s friends have to had died, like, a lot throughout their adventures. Remember, the only reason they survive the improbable amount of dangers they face is that she has their back … but that’s only because there’s another timeline in which they went in half-cocked and got eaten or whatever. Hermione has to discover what the danger is before she can help them survive it.

By the end of the franchise, Harry Potter must have died hundreds, if not thousands of times in order to survive the plot. But on the upside, so did Ron.

Warner Bros. Pictures#978

3

Bankrupt Bruce Wayne Probably Mugged His Way Back To Gotham In The Dark Knight Rises

Halfway through The Dark Knight Rises, Batman — operating on the mescaline-esque high that only bankruptcy orders and boning can provide — tries and fails to out-ninja Bane, and winds up imprisoned in a live-action reimagining of Super Mario Bros. World 1-2. He eventually escapes and makes his way back to Gotham, where he immediately sets about pulling so many crazy badass antics that you forget that there’s no way he could made that journey inside of a couple of weeks. Or at least, not without putting his acrobatic skills to use robbing every innocent person he came across.

Warner Bros. Pictures“Holy shit … Joe Chill was right …”

When Bruce emerges from the totally-not-a-Lazarus-pit, it’s not clear where he came out. The only thing we know is that it’s located in “a more ancient part of the world,” which isn’t exactly helpful. But we in real life know that the scene in question was shot in India, so we’ll use that as our starting point. The movie also helpfully states that he spends 22 days travelling back, so … three weeks to get from India to America. With no money.

Riiiiight.

Warner Bros. Pictures“So, uh, how much does a male prostitute make around here?”

There’s no way he could have made that journey without robbing and beating the crap out of a lot of people. Again, he has no money of his own (he’s bankrupt), all of his friends are imprisoned, and Gotham City sits somewhere in New Jersey, so throw a transcontinental hike onto that as well. The only solution that makes sense is that he buys some forged documents and a one-way plane ticket. Sure, he could smuggle himself onto a cargo ship, but only if he wants to get there six months after Bane’s bomb detonates.

It’s get darker, too. It costs anywhere between $600 and $1,100 for a one-way ticket from New Delhi to Newark (standing in for Gotham), whilst the average yearly salary in India is $600. Throw in a set of falsified documents, and that’s an extra $200. In all, Bruce needs to “acquire” anywhere between one and two years’ local salary in less than three weeks. The ensuing crime wave must have been crazy and caused a ton of financial, not to mention physical, pain (he can’t get caught and locked up, after all). In other words, prepare for a whole wave of revenge-driven Batmen popping out of India in 15-20 years.

2

The Ghostbusters Lost Their Jobs Because Of Anti-Ghost Truthers

At the end of Ghostbusters, the team saves the world from a marshmallowy apocalypse. By the time of Ghostbusters 2, however, thing have clearly gone a little downhill, with the guys forced to work various odd jobs in order to make ends meet. Why? Because they got sued after the events of Ghostbusters for all the property damage that occurred, as well as banned from investigating the paranormal — things that are only possible if everyone thinks that they’re frauds. Which makes no sense, considering that everyone saw masses of ghosts attacking the city.

The attack by the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man would’ve basically been the 9/11 of the ’80s. Even back then, there’s no way people wouldn’t have this on film. How could they deny this huge event that happened in front of their-

Microcinema International

Ohhh.

The only way the entire world would be willing to lay the blame for Gozergeddon at the feet of the Ghostbusters is if they’d been swayed into believing that it was all nothing but a big hoax. Maybe the Ghostbusters were accused of doing it to promote their business, or to start a war with the ethereal dimension, or all to hit on Sigourney Weaver. (OK, that one’s feasible.) The precise “motive” doesn’t matter; a significant sector of the population would go along with any explanation, because it’s easier to believe that it was shenanigans rather than, say, proof that the afterlife exists and that our understanding of life and death and the Universe is totally and utterly wrong.

Columbia PicturesJust about anything can melt marshmallows.

Hell, 1984 was the year when Art Bell’s Coast To Coast AM, the original InfoWars, started transmitting. That, along with cable news, the tabloids, and Weekly World News could have put paid to anyone’s reputation. With the change in public opinion, it wouldn’t take long for someone to pass legislation to protect themselves and the innocent sheeple from those dangerous con artists they heard about on the radio (between ads for virility shots and brain pills, naturally).

1

Where The Hell Was Wonder Woman During World War II?

One of the weirdest questions raised in the Wonder Woman movie is why, having helped end the Great War, Diana hung up her lasso, kicked back with a hot cup of cocoa, and watched the even worse sequel from the sidelines. She swore an oath to hide herself away, sure, but she nearly murdered an entire castle because of one gassed village. How long did you think that oath would have lasted when she started to hear rumors about the Holocaust?

So if she didn’t shy away because of her oath, what’s another possible explanation? Well, how about her taking a knee because she was cheering for the other team?

Warner Bros. TelevisionNazis, we mean. Not a euphemism.

We’re not saying that Diana low-key loves herself some world domination and genocide. We’re just saying that it’s not that hard to imagine her being swayed by certain components of the Nazi ideology — notably, those parts concerning antiquity and religion.

After the Nazis came to power, they began conducting archaeological “research” in areas all over the world, with the aim of proving that all of history’s greatest civilizations were descended from German/Aryan stock. One of their biggest fascinations was Ancient Greece, and so the Ahnenerbe (the bad guys from Indiana Jones) conducted dozens of archaeological excavations across the country and manipulated the historical record to “prove” the true ancestry of the Greeks. This tiramisu of lies was topped with a hearty dose of cultural appropriation, courtesy of their “taking back” the torch rallies of the old-timey Olympic Games for the 1936 Summer Olympics in Berlin.

Bundesarchiv, Bild 146-1976-116-08A/CC-BY-SA 3.0How do you say “citation extremely needed” in German?

You can probably guess where we’re going with this. Diana and the Amazons are practically time-displaced ancient Greeks. It’s also important to note that the Nazi propaganda machine painted the Aryans as a strong warrior race. You know, like that strong warrior race Diana belongs to. What if she didn’t stomp Nazi ass because she saw them as similar to her own people? As for why she didn’t stomp us, let’s be thankful that no hunky Teutonic pilots dropped from the sky and seduced her into becoming Wunderbar Uberfrau. Hey, it wouldn’t be the worst thing the DC Extended Universe has ever done.

Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook, and has a newsletter about depressing history that you should definitely subscribe to.

They actually make little (not-actually-functional) Time Turners as necklaces and they’re kinda pretty.

Support Cracked’s journalism with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out 6 WTF Scenes That 100 Percent Happened Off-Screen In Big Movies and Awkward Scenes That Must Have Happened In Marvel Movies.

Follow us on Facebook, and we’ll follow you everywhere.

Source: http://www.cracked.com/

Add Comment