Everyone has a video camera these days. They’re in our phones, they’re on our dashboards, they’re on our police officers’ bodies … they’re everywhere. As such, it’s next to impossible to get away with doing anything even remotely unpleasant in public without someone documenting it all and uploading your misdeeds to the internet.
That should be a concern for anyone who’s planning to act like a goddamn monster in public. But that’s clearly not always the case, because some people fire up the video camera and turn it right on themselves as soon as they start acting insane. Even worse, they’re obviously proud of what they’re doing. We talk about a few examples on this week’s Unpopular Opinion podcast …
… where I’m joined by comics Annie Lederman and Quincy Johnson. That’s also what I’m talking about in this column here today. Imagine! Here are five people who recorded themselves being the worst humans imaginable.
#5. Miami Beach Mayor Hassles FedEx Driver Like Some Kind Of Hero
Hero alert! Miami Beach Mayor Philip Levine had it up to HERE with delivery drivers blocking traffic on the city’s busiest street, and dammit, he decided to do something about it. Unfortunately, that “something” was singling out one FedEx driver, turning his work day into a living nightmare, and then uploading shameful video evidence of it all to YouTube for his constituents to see.
Seems a little bit like what a total fucking douchebag might do, right? Well, it gets worse. Levine’s promise to notify the police about the driver’s infraction was no hollow threat. Immediately after uploading the video, he sent a text to Miami Beach City Manager Jimmy Morales, who then reported the driver’s license plate number and approximate location to the authorities. The driver was pulled over and cited a short time later.
And I’m sure no delivery driver ever parked on that street ever again. *sarcasm emoji*
As awful as bullying a single driver over a citywide problem is, there’s an Easter egg hiding in this video that makes it even more heinous. Here, check out this shot from the beginning:
Turn your phone sideways!
What do you make of that black car parked there? For one thing, unlike the FedEx driver, it’s double-parked. It’s also parked in the same lane of traffic that the mayor is so valiantly protecting. So … why isn’t he mad about that car? Okay, everyone say it with me: Because it’s probably his car!
You see it again at the end of the video, when the FedEx driver has to pull around it, thus disturbing an additional lane of traffic. So here’s an obvious question: If this video was enough to get the Fedex driver ticketed, shouldn’t it also be enough to get the driver of the Cadillac ticketed? The license plate is visible in that last shot …
How busy can that street really be if you’re standing in the middle of it shooting YouTube videos?
… so determining who it belonged to at the time shouldn’t be impossible, right?
Only one way to find out! I sent Miami Beach City Manager Jimmy Morales an email and asked about it. Here’s the reply I received:
Exciting! This must be just how the dudes who did Watergate felt. Emboldened by the quick response, I immediately sent more questions.
I really want him to tell me it’s the mayor’s car. Please say it’s the mayor’s car. Oh man, I got another reply! This is investigative journalism! Let’s see what it says!
As it turns out, I didn’t actually care enough to wait until Monday and try emailing someone else, so I guess that’s where the trail ends. You win this time, Levine!
#4. Sorsha The Vegan Explains Why You’re Racist
Are you a vegan? If not, YouTube personality Sorsha the Vegan has some bad news: Turns out you’re a huge fucking racist. Confused? Well, give this video a quick watch …
… and chances are you’ll still be confused. Ignore that it’s nearly 14 minutes long. The good parts all happen in the first minute or two. That’s when she lays out her crazy reasoning for why, if you eat meat, you can’t possibly claim you’re not racist. I accept that just reading that last sentence alone is enough to make the average head explode, but I promise you, it gets so much worse.
Here, on the off chance you can’t watch the video, let’s take this opportunity to GIF it the fuck up.
Yeah, I know. She then goes on to explain that you being comfortable eating something just because it’s a different species from you means that you’re discriminating against that species, before scolding us for thinking that humans are somehow superior to any other species of animal.
Except yes we are. It’s called the food chain, and we dominate that motherfucker. Sure, it’s mostly because we’ve learned to use weapons and manipulate animals into just kind of doing whatever we want them to do, but still, a system is a system, and that’s the system we live in. If you throw an unarmed human in an underwater cage and then put a hungry shark in that cage, that shark immediately becomes the superior species in that environment. That’s just how the circle of life works.
Also, I’m sure someone’s broken this to Sorsha by now, but racism and discrimination are not the same thing. Refusing to rent an apartment to anyone who wears glasses is discrimination, refusing to rent it to someone because they’re black is racism. There is a difference between the two.
#3. Condescending Passenger Won’t Get Out of Uber Driver’s Car
Here it is. The video that made writing this column necessary. It just started making the rounds a few weeks ago. Maybe you’ve seen it, maybe you haven’t. You know, just like literally every video ever made. Here, give it a watch, if you’re so inclined.
Assuming you watched it, you probably fall into one of two camps right now. You either feel for the Seth-Rogen-sounding driver and realize he’s being antagonized to the point of stroke-inducing rage, or you’re wrong.
If for some reason you’re unable to watch, here’s the story. The video starts at the end of what I imagine was the most unpleasant Uber ride of all time. By the time we’re privy to what’s happening, the driver is already screaming, “Get out of my car now!” at a passenger whose face we never get to see. We hear her voice, though, and goddamn is it condescending and awful.
Look, I understand that this guy is way, way, way too angry. But holy shit, lady. Get out of the fucking car. It’s not too long into the video before it becomes clear that she’s provoking this guy in the name of having something outrageous to post on YouTube. We’ll never know for sure what transpired before the video starts, but she doesn’t deny his claim that she made him wait “way too long” after he arrived to pick her up and then immediately said she was “in a hurry” upon finally getting in the car. That’s the kind of shit only the criminally insane feel justified doing. That is Heath-Ledger-as-the-Joker shit.
“I’d never do that. Because the actor who portrayed me is dead now, you see.”
No matter what happened at any point during the ride, once they arrived at the destination she entered into the Uber app, he has every right to demand that she exit the vehicle. Instead of doing that, she turns on her video camera and repeatedly asks the driver to tell her where the emergency room is, like the guy driving your Uber is the one who would know, as opposed to the people who work at the hospital the ER is attached to. What kind of hospital won’t have signs that will point you to the ER, cafeteria, fucking human resources … whatever you need? Just get out and find it, as the law and common decency dictate you should at that point.
Also, how much of a hurry are you in / how bad is your emergency that you have three spare minutes to kill getting screamed at on video? How much evidence of his anger do you need? We get it, your Uber driver screamed at you. It’s probably because you wouldn’t get out of the fucking car. Maybe give that a shot next time and see if you can trim a few minutes of confrontation time off your commute each day.
Seriously, just get out of the car.
The most infuriating moment comes around the 2:45 mark when, after being told to exit the car for what must be the 40th or 50th time, she comes back with this:
“I’m asking you, in a very educated manner, where am I?”
What does that even mean? Do people who went to college get lost in a more sophisticated way than everyone else? If you’re educated, you can probably find the emergency room from the front door of a hospital. Just get out of the car.