I’ve lurked around Reddit more than I care to admit. The subreddit r/AMA is particularly fascinating, because the number of people who think anyone cares about the time they pooped themselves or ate their own boogers is frankly staggering.
But sometimes rich, famous, and powerful people — even the president of the United States — will decide to let their inner narcissist shine and let the masses ask them anything through Reddit. And when one of those rich, famous, and powerful people happens to be a total moron, Reddit responds in a most glorious fashion.
#5. Woody Harrelson Doesn’t Understand How AMAs Work, Gets Accused Of Statutory Rape
It’s pretty standard practice for celebrities to have other people helping them maintain a social-media presence. Hillary Clinton, for example, signs tweets that she typed all by herself with a “-H,” and it’s entirely possible that Kim Kardashian has help with her selfies. Woody Harrelson, on the other hand, apparently couldn’t splurge on an unpaid political science student to intern for him, so he had the world’s worst PR agent handle an AMA for him.
The only reason Harrelson was doing an AMA was to promote the movie Rampart, which Roger Ebert claims was a great movie but Reddit didn’t give two shits about. Literally the first actual question posted on the AMA was about Harrelson’s estranged contract killer father, and then things only got worse. Even though Reddit asked a whole bunch of actually decent questions pertaining to Harrelson’s acting career, the first thing he felt deserved an answer was about the time he apparently took the virginity of a drunk 17-year-old girl. Allegedly.
There’s a chance that Reddit might’ve let this go if he hadn’t added that last sentence. By asking Reddit to focus on something, in this case his movie, it became clear that this was just a PR stunt, and they tore into him like a puppy into a squeaky toy. There was to be no mercy.
Finally, some Redditors noticed a couple grammatical mistakes indicating that this wasn’t even Woody Harrelson; it was a really shitty publicist who couldn’t be bothered to keep “Woody’s” responses in the first-person with 100 percent consistency. Once this discovery spread throughout the AMA, it was a total shitshow. People started directing comments directly to that publicist, who I can only imagine lied straight to Harrelson’s face about how great the AMA went and probably had to bribe Roger Ebert for that review.
#4. Ann Coulter’s AMA Just Broke, Somehow
Ann Coulter is a whole lot of things that I wanted to be when I grew up: tall, blonde, and a lawyer. Instead, I grew up to be 5-foot-4 with brown hair and a sense of empathy. She also seems to have aspirations to be a comedy writer, and based on her responses in this AMA, we’ve got a whole website here beating her on that front.
The first question was about her opinion on the rights of trans people. She actually has some really misguided gay friends in real life, so it’s possible she could have come up with a response such as, “They can do whatever they want, but not with my tax dollars!” Instead, she delivered a line out of a UCB Improv 101 class, and Reddit was not amused.
That was, for whatever reason, the only question she was able to answer before something just … broke. A moderator had to step in to confirm that she was having an issue with the site, which is sort of to be expected from folks over the age of 50 using Reddit. One Redditor did the work of the saints and compiled Coulter’s questions and answers all into one post.
She created a new account, got flair added so it was confirmed to be her, and went on to just be even more confusing.
Hm, it’s almost like she has a problem with foreigners or something. It seems she’s a little self-hating as well. For example, she seems to have some sort of problem with women voting.
Frankly, between the mix-ups of posts between multiple accounts, thousands of comments that didn’t really get anything across, and the blinding white screen of the Reddit webpage, this was a nightmare to have to read through. I’m just glad I got a string of waffle recipes out of it.
#3. Perez Hilton Defends His Own Nonsense
It’s really easy to hate someone whose chosen pen name is a lazy bastardization of someone else’s real name. It’s even easier to hate that person when they’re Perez Hilton. For anyone who’s been intelligent enough to avoid his word-vomit over the past, oh God, it’s been over 10 years? Really? Jesus. Anyways, he’s a blogger who got his start in LGBT media and then proceeded to shit all over the goodwill he’d built up by becoming famous for outing celebrities on his blog.
This is information that was not lost on Reddit, and unlike a whole lot of people in this article, he actually stood his ground and tried to defend his actions.
Look, I’ve been writing on the internet for a few years myself, and that’s a load of crap, Perez. Though I value my readers immensely, I’d have to see a degree from culinary school before I accepted a dinner invite from any of them, and even then I’d probably still bring a can of bear mace along, just in case.
The idea of a person bullying gay people because he’s gay himself is a tired enough trope that even Glee dragged it out for a couple of seasons, so the problem here is that Perez Hilton is out and proud. Outside of sociopathy, there’s practically zero explanation for the way he conducts himself on his sites. Yes, sites, plural. I had to fact-check that, too. Perez claims that he’s stopped outing people, which Snopes would probably call a “Mixture.” Though Perez says it’s been four to five years since he’s done anything particularly awful, articles from as recently as a couple weeks ago claim to support “gay-baiting” celebrities like Nick Jonas, a target he’s been at for a while now.
It’d be one thing if he was just another shitty celebrity gossip machine, but he’s tried to team up with Dan Savage to promote support for kids who are being bullied, making Perez Hilton a hypocrite worth blogging about and a high-functioning sociopath.
#2. Wyclef Jean Defends Wasting Charity Money
We’ve sort of already covered how bad the Fugees as a whole are, so some of this should be old news, but let’s just unpack the disaster zone that was Wyclef Jean’s Reddit AMA.
It began innocuously enough, as a few Redditors asked about things like who his favorite artists to work with are. Then shit got nasty.
Jean can’t be the first crazy celebrity to have presidential aspirations, but it set off a firestorm of commentary about how he is even less qualified to call himself Haitian than Ted Cruz is to call himself American. Chief among those comments is probably this one, because much like hips, financial records don’t lie.
So basically that’s a paragraph-long summary of about $9 million in fraud. A couple other comments addressed this stuff, probably making Jean sweat more than island heat. He more or less banged his forehead onto the keyboard to hammer out a response, which is the only real reason we can figure for this.
Like we said, just stop listening to the Fugees.
#1. John Rocker Is Still A Caricature Of A High School Jock
From about 1994 to 2001, the Cleveland Indians were arguably the hottest team in baseball. Unfortunately, as a boy growing up in Northeast Ohio in the 1990s, this meant my role models were guys like Manny “I hate reporters” Ramirez (whose mint-condition rookie card I still have) and Albert “I forced one of my minions to crawl through an air shaft” Belle. Those guys were great ballplayers even if they were less-than-perfect people, but they were goddamned saints compared to our prized 2001 acquisition, John Rocker.
Rocker had been a loudmouth and a showboat his entire career, and blue-collar Cleveland was less than enthused with his shit. He didn’t last a whole lot longer in the majors due to shoulder injuries, which were probably caused by the tremendous chip on them he lugged around that was based on the idea that he was better than anyone who looked different from him. Over a decade later, his wholly unnecessary AMA revealed that it apparently hadn’t gone away.
Right off the goddamned bat (pun 100 percent intended), he revealed that he didn’t know what Breaking Bad was, which is a great way to introduce yourself to the internet at large.
Apparently, for as much as Cleveland hated having him around in 2001, Mets and Braves fans were way more sick of his shit than I could have possibly known. Here’s a small smattering of how that went down.
The fascinating thing was that he actually had some valuable things to say when it came to actual baseball-related questions, such as the stress of being the closer of a ball game, who he thought was the hardest batter to pitch to, and this thought on how to prevent steroid use.
Now that I’ve got this out of my system, I just need to see an AMA from Chris Perez about how to mail pot to my dog, and I can rest in peace.
See the insanity of Wesley Snipes in 21 Beloved Celebrities Who Melted Down In Spectacular Ways, and read about how Zach Braff once punched a child in 7 Celebrity Pranks That Backfired Horrifically.
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