There are so many annoying people out there that it’s a wonder the world isn’t a giant Thunderdome. We should consider UFC fights romantic first dates, because at least they have a chaperone to make sure things don’t go too far. But somehow we settled down into a society and, in general, can concentrate on important issues to make the world a better place. But some people find the most ridiculous things to rage about instead.
#5. Breastfeeding Mothers
Breastfeeding mothers are the very image of nurturing humanity. But some suffer from the Nursing-Kreuger effect: They think that lactating gives them special insight into a nightmarish world in which our young are regularly tortured. Ask a mothering forum about bottle-feeding, and you’d swear it was for aliens and involved spitting acid as their jaws open to bite your child’s face off.
“My neighbor’s kids were bottle-fed, and now they’re all Cthulhus.”
Breastfeeding your baby is wonderful, but it doesn’t make you an expert on all areas of child-rearing — in the same way that masturbating is fun, but doesn’t make you an expert on sexuality. All you’re doing is providing a bit of biological fluid and feeling better about yourself. And it’s offensive to fling your fluids at others who didn’t ask for it. Which doesn’t stop some mothers from screaming as if every bottle was bursting with Bane Venom.
For self-secreted experts in all human biology, they don’t seem to understand that people are different. Some people don’t breastfeed, or can’t breastfeed, for any of an array of reasons far too personal to get into with someone who’s decided that “Mother feeding their child” is a valid target for public attack. There are orc tribes sneaking up on hobbits with better ethics.
“Look, I know that you have your own experiences, but I’m just awful, okay?”
Breastfeeding and formula are the ultimate human success stories. We’ve got our original method and the technologies we’ve invented to be better than mere nature. Which is the point of technology. The secretion of fluid from mammary glands isn’t the ultimate level of natural nirvana; it’s a pre-installed function of some tits. Most monkeys can do it. Not even every monkey, because bodies aren’t born perfectly. But what makes (most of) us better than animals is that when someone’s body behaves differently, we don’t shriek and hurl shit at them until they’re driven from the tribe.
I’m all out of bullets in my “Be a reasonable human being” gun, too.
#4. Bodybuilding Forums
Bodybuilding is a lot more productive than becoming a Level 90 wizard, but about as useful for solving modern problems. In fact, it can cause more, because it’s a brilliant pastime but a shitty identity. Which is how bodybuilding forums become Ecto Containment Units: electronic grids filled with raging spirits just itching to fling slime on people. The result is a powder keg filled with whey and testosterone. Which is also a pretty good physical description of the worst offenders.
Even their memes make you want to LIFT your computer and hurl it out a window.
These forums created the “Do you even lift” meme, the only thing in the world that’s worse when it’s not ironic. Arguments explode like the herniated biceps brought ever closer by people pounding their CAPS LOCK keys. Some are incapable of counting anything they can’t deadlift, and spend pages screaming about how many days there are in a week (no, seriously, that’s a genuine argument that happened). Either that or the incredible mass of their gains really does distort the swole-time continuum around their workout schedules.
This exchange destroyed more keyboards than Hulk playing piano.
Losing an intellectual debate with a calendar is bad, but to get really pathetic, you need to hear them whining about women.
Thanks for the advice, bro.
They’ve been convinced that six-packs are guaranteed babe magnets, and then burned by the reality that most women don’t fantasize about being trapped under a sweating butcher’s display. They go mad about nerds so much as standing near girls, and even madder about nerds mocking them for that, in an awful cycle of smashing their testosterone against electronic barriers like barbarians badly losing in an episode of Star Trek. It’s almost as if everything they learned about alpha manliness is bullshit rendered obsolete by technology. The same technology now transmitting their tears to the world.
Have you tried not being you? That might work.
#3. Wrestling Site Commenters
Go to the comments on any wrestling site, and you’ll find fans accusing each other of being fans. Which you’d think was the entire point of the comments section, website, and multi-million-dollar industry. There could only be more layers to this imaginary world in which fans aren’t cool if M.C. Escher advertised air conditioning.
“Ugh, BTX-9000, you’re such a thermodynamics mark.”
“You’re just a Cena mark!” one will cry before claiming that HHH is objectively better, as if wrestlers grappled with fundamental forces of the universe. But wrestling can’t be objective. Physics can’t prove a DDT is definitely better than a Tombstone Piledriver, because Physics is too busy wondering why they don’t just repeatedly hit each other with chairs if they’re allowed to do that, until its granddaughter, Biology, explains, “Because it’s more fun, duh.”
It’s this bizarre inversion where athletes are paid to pretend to fight physically, but the fans end up hating each other for real. If I like Alberto Del Rio and you like Cesaro, we’re done! That’s our entire requirement to enjoy all the matches! And we’ll both enjoy one particular match even more! Discussing their relative strengths is fun, but criticizing people for being biased toward one wrestler over another is the most dangerous game a fan can play. Once you start examining the reality of wrestling, it collapses like a Spanish announcer’s table. But that’s what we end up with on every single wrestling comments section. Every comment, no matter how innocent or meaningless, ends up breaking down into this: